Why Was Saddam So Quiet Today?

Put this post under the category of Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth. But I can't help wondering why Saddam Hussein was so quiet during his trial today.

Until now, Saddam appeared to be vying to take the title of Most Creatively Disruptive Defendant from Abbe Hoffman and the rest of the Chicago 7. But during Wednesday's proceedings, Saddam was largely silent.

What's up?

One theory immediately suggested itself: Maybe Saddam was tranquilized. I figure that, given his obvious volatility, the former Iraqi dictator would only require twice the dosage used to subdue your average African rhino in the wild to becalm him. But a court scrupulously attempting to be fair while the eyes of the planet are fixed on it probably wouldn't resort to a dart gun to keep Saddam under control.

Then, I realized what the explanation must be: Saddam is taking his cues from Cincinnati Bengals pass receiver Chad Johnson.

Johnson, who leads the National Football League (NFL) American Conference in receptions and yards and was a high-finisher in fan voting for the Pro Bowl, is known for his outrageous post-touchdown celebrations. Once, for example, he gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the football he'd just caught. After another score, he used the orange marker at the back of the end zone as a putter, sinking the football he'd set in front of him into an imaginary hole. Yet another time, he did an interesting version of River Dance.

Even those who regard Johnson's antics as juvenile and disruptive give him style points for creativity.

But this past week, in the Bengals' win over the Detroit Lions, when Johnson scored, he simply handed the football to a nearby referee. It was evidently in homage to longtime Lions running back, Barry Sanders, who on scoring touchdowns, always gave the ball to refs in the same understated way.

Meanwhile, from the clink in Iraq, Saddam has apparently been watching the NFL on satellite TV and made note. A subdued Chad and a subdued Saddam. Coincident? Puh--lease!

In fact, I've heard rumors that the former Iraqi strongman has instructed his guards and defense team to refer to him now as Chaddam.

If this is all a ploy on Saddam's part to make him more palatable to middle America, somebody needs to tell him it isn't working.

UPDATE: Maybe Saddam heard that Chad plans a special TD-celebration should he score during this coming Sunday's game against the Bills. Saddam must have taken that as a green light to resume his bad behavior because, once again later in the day, he threw another one of his signature temper tantrums.