Mothers and Daughters

This week, NPR correspondent Susan Stamberg interviewed author Deborah Tannen about her new book on the relationships of mothers and daughters, You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. (To hear Stamberg's profile of Tannen's thoughts and to read an excerpt from the book's first chapter, click here.)

I have a feeling that most men and even women raised in households in which the testosterone levels were especially high or where pleasing everybody else in the family was so important that nobody ever said unpleasant things--to their faces, would do well to read this book.

Most sons relate to their fathers and to other men in basically two ways, it seems to me:

• We ignore each other
• We're pals

While one sees these patterns in extremis among women, any number of psychologists and others have observed that males are not as adept at forging depthy friendships among themselves as are women.

But for many men, the relationships of mothers and daughters, specifically, are a real quandary. Consider this passage from Tannen's first chapter:

“My daughters can turn my day black in a millisecond,” says a woman whose two daughters are in their thirties.

Another woman tells me, “Sometimes I’ll be talking on the phone to my mom, and everything’s going fine, then all of a sudden she’ll say something that makes me so mad, I just hang up. Later I can’t believe I did that. I would never hang up on anyone else.”

But I also hear comments like these: “No one supports me and makes me feel good like my mother. She’s always on my side.” And from the mother of a grown daughter: “I feel very lucky and close with my daughter, and particularly since I didn’t have a close relationship with my mother, it’s very validating for me and healing.”

Mothers and daughters find in each other the source of great comfort.

Men who observe the ways in which mothers and daughters relate can get a kind of psychological whiplash. When my wife and I were first married, I saw how, within the space of a few hours, she and my mother-in-law could in turns, be furious with one another and then have the most enjoyable times of conversation or be laughing their heads off. As both grew into more adult ways of relating, a process that took some years and prayer, the roller coaster stabilized and they became friends.

But not all mothers and daughters pull that off. In fact, my observation is that, the pattern of fury intermingled with delight is present in the relationships of many mothers and daughters beyond their twenties and thirties, when the stabilization I'm talking about begins to be negotiated.

These are shirtsleeve obervations on my part, based on being the brother of three sisters, a husband, a father of a daughter, and a pastor for twenty-one years. (If you want a ringside seat on the relationships of mothers and daughters, preside over a wedding sometime!)

But I have learned a few things about what you should do as either a father or husband observing the often emotionally undulating relationships of mothers and daughters:

• When conflicts arise between mothers and daughters, your bias should always be to shut up!
• Except in the most extreme of circumstances, you should offer your opinions about conflicts only when asked. Other than that, shut up!
• Never, never, never force your wife to choose between you and your mother-in-law or between you and your daughter. It isn't fair.
  
• Remember that 99% of the time, after blow-ups, mothers and daughters will say nothing that will permanently destroy their relationships, no matter how harsh their words to one another or how much they may cry. Their openness is probably something we males could learn to emulate.
• Learn to be an interested listener. As the old saying puts it, "God gave you two ears and one mouth. We should communicate proportionately."
• Remember, Daniels' Maxim on Love--which I really stole from the Bible: Love is less about how you feel than it is about what you do, sometimes in spite of how you feel. If you're a father, keep doing acts of love toward your wife and daughter. If you're the husband of a daughter, keep doing the acts of love toward your wife and mother-in-law.
• When in doubt, shut up!