[This post originally appeared on the site back on June 30, 2003. Its message seems appropriate still. I've updated it slightly.]
A woman used to delight my family and me with tales from her life, usually chronicling her encounters with ridiculous people. In all of her stories, she was the sensible heroine, the last intelligent life form on the planet, doing battle with people who were either stupid or mean or both.
Charmed by this woman's intelligence, we at first took in her doses of megalomania with good humor. We all tend to flatter ourselves. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," the Bible reminds us. My half-century-plus on this planet has shown me that that's certainly true of me: I do sin and fall far short not only of the way God wants me to live, but even of the way I would like to live. An awareness of my huge imperfections tends to make me charitable toward others' foibles.
But as we became more acquainted with this person, something alarming happened. Her stories and her opinions about others became nastier. Her world began to be composed of whoever happened to be kissing her ring at any given time and her. It was a world that shrank to small dimensions. Those she once embraced as dear friends were dismissed if they got in the way of her agenda.
She also attempted to enlist others in lying for her, coaching them to fib about her whereabouts and availability for those she once called her best friends. When people refused to lie for her, they were crossed off her list of friends.
In fact, it became obvious that lying was this woman's way of life. The seemingly innocent stories that had at first charmed us took on a more sinister air. As increasingly we caught her lying and scheming to lie, we couldn't help but wonder, "What other lies that we once accepted as the truth has she told us?" Or, "What lies might she have told about us?"
Those were jolting questions.
All our interactions with people--whether with the meat-cutter at the supermarket, the co-worker on the assembly line, the pharmacist filling our prescription, or the employee at the day care center--depend on trust. That's why Jesus said that we shouldn't have to go through elaborate rituals to assure that what we say is the truth. "Let your answer simply be yes or no," Jesus said.
I suppose that all of us have lied. Sometimes we may even lie to protect people from being hurt and there may be virtue in that. But as a way of life, deceit is destructive of friendships and of societies.
The late psychotherapist M. Scott Peck wrote a best-selling book called People of the Lie. In it, he asserted that there are people--some of them warming seats in church buildings on Sunday mornings, some considered the pillars of society--who are given over completely to evil. They're like the people Jesus excoriated in John 8, children of the devil who, when they lie, are simply speaking according to their natures.
My family and I have learned from painful personal experience that such people exist and that when we encounter them, the best thing to do is to walk the other way.
6 comments:
My first memory as a two year old with my family has always been-"Why dont I feel loved by these people?" Over the years I knew the relationships I had with my mom, dad and sisters adn brothers was one where I was always wanting to feel the love that was not present. I would try and try to be loved, to feel loved. The explained essense of my observation was defined to me in this book when my former sister-in-law- therapist and pastor gave me the book called People of the Lie--, this was the answer I had serached for all of life. Knowing the answer still does not change the fact that I do not feel loved by my family. As much as they try to convince me they love do love me while condemning me, telling lies to me, manipulating abusing me for not feeling loved by them. I don't feel their love. jane
Jane:
I'm sorry to read of your painful and ongoing experiences, but I'm glad that M. Scott Peck's book provided you with some explanation of what has happened to you. I hope that God has brought people into your life who love you and share the love of God that has been given to us in Christ.
God bless you.
Mark Daniels
I've read that book and I'm due to read it again soon, or even buy it. Truth is so important to God that it is one of the names of Christ. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. It was a hugely helpful book that helped me to define us and them. I deal with people in a non-judgemental way, giving the benefit of the doubt, until I detect one of these people. Then I deal very circumspectally. Like Jane, my mother and brother are amongst them, as is my former husband and his mother. And there have been others. It's better to not get involved unless there is some stake at the table where an innocent is or will be hurt. Then I stand up and point them out and let them know I know who they are. They don't like it, and I'm always surprised how they know the rules and laws better than ourselves and then use them against you. Sometimes you just have to take that risk to be salt and light in this world.
I have read "People of the Lie" several times and found it very enlightening. I just came across this blog today and felt like I was reading a description of my own mother. She has claimed to be a Christian since 1959, is often referred to as being "A Beacon of Truth," and now heads the Christian ministry which was started by my father and her. But she is secretly an atheist who hides behind the reputation of my father, who was a godly man of truth and integrity.
Like the woman described in your blog, my mother has superficial charm and loves to entertain people with her various "funny" stories - which tend to ever so humbly draw attention to her and "all she is doing for the Lord". People feel flattered and special when she draws them into her confidence - thinking they are now a part of her inner circle. But the 'funny" stories slowly downgrade to insulting and negative comments, criticism, mocking, and even outright gossip and lies. Eventually, people find themselves having to make excuses for snarky comments or they just look the other way and pretend like they didn't notice anything amiss.
Once someone becomes resistant to being manipulated or is no longer useful to my mother, they are coldly dropped and someone else happily moves into their vacated slot. My mother is an expert at surrounding herself with sincere people who are committed Christians - people who are not accustomed to searching for evil in their midst, particularly within a church or Christian ministry - people who feel honored to be included in the inner circle of "THE Mrs. __________."
My mother doesn't initiate contact with people - she expects them to contact her with emails and phone calls or visits to her ministry. I doubt she even notices when someone quits calling her because there is always someone else hoping to get close to her. She expects others to extend invitations to her for lunch and such - knowing they feel flattered that she is willing to spend time with them. Little do these people realize how bitterly she complains about them behind their backs. They hear her complain about others but it never occurs to them that she is saying the same sorts of things about them. My own eyes were opened when I learned of the lies she has spread about me for years - that I am mentally-ill, beat and abuse my children, abandoned my father in his final years, have verbally abused her, and so on - combined with figuring out that most of what I've been told about others over the years was also gossip and outright lies.
My mother is a thoroughly evil and corrosive person who is nothing like the image she projects. It is impossible to keep close company with her without ingesting poison and this left me with no choice but to completely sever contact with her three years ago. Unfortunately, I now look like I'm the 'bad guy' who is angry and unforgiving, but there can be no fellowship between darkness and light. Sadly, there are others involved in well-know Christian ministries who are as false as my mother. We must never allow ourselves to idolize someone, even those who are in respected positions of Christian leadership -- we cannot allow ourselves to get sucked into a "cult of personality." Christianity provides great cover for narcissists and sociopaths who move among sincere Christians as wolves in sheep's clothing.
In response to April Tanner Muegge's comments:
I am surprised that you would publically write about your mother the way you are. As you know, scripture tells us that if someone has sinned against us, we are to confront them privately (Mt. 18). Rather than you doing that, you are gossiping, which certainly doesn't reveal a Christ-like spirit.
You talk about your father's legacy at the FB page: Jerald Tanner's Legacy," but you are failing to realize that your mother was very much a part of that legacy.
You say that your mother is a "atheist?" Well, a "closet atheist" could never endure the trials that come; the ostracization of others; and simply being a "fish out of the Mormon waters," while living in Salt Lake City.
If your mother is truly a non-believer (especially an atheist!) she would have moved out of Utah a long time ago! Not to mention, your father would have certainly realized she was an atheist. If you don't agree with this assessment, then you certainly don't give your father much credit for being a discerning man.
Along with being an "atheist," you talk about your mother as being negative towards others. Have you ever been negative towards others? I think we all have--not one of us is innocent. Not one of us has "arrived." I'm sure you can agree with this. When I think of all the times I've been negative, I cringe. We're all sinners, and some of us are saved sinners---by GRACE and grace, alone. Speaking of which, on your father's website, you have, "highly recommended books." One of them is: "What's So Amazing About Grace? by Philip Yancey.
My question is: Have you read Yancey's book? Has the message of grace sunk into your soul? If so, what in the world are you doing speaking about your mother the way you are? IF--and I say, IF she has done such horrible things to you--you are to forgive her, as your Heavenly Father forgives you (Mt. 6:12).
You may say that forgiveness is, "easier said than done."
Yes, yet if you ask the Lord to help you, you can forgive. I know this for a fact---if you knew of the non-Christian household I was raised in, and the abuse that endured there, you would find it remarkable that I could forgive (and frankly, you wouldn't last a day in the house I was raised in).
The Lord has allowed me to forgive my parents---especially my mother. On her deathbed, I was pleading for her to give her life to Jesus. True forgiveness cares about a person and their soul. True forgiveness loves--and COVERS UP any transgression the person may have committed towards us.
April, in love I ask, "how is it that kindness, mercy, and grace has left your soul?"
Don't you realize how Satan is using you in trying to destroy a vibrant ministry?
Forgive your mother before your heart turns stone cold and bitter (perhaps it already has, of which, you should be extremely concerned).
I just want you to know that your mother has NO idea that I am writing this note to you.
For the record, I am not into the "cult" of personality. I too am related to a "famous person" (by far, much more famous than your mother). I could care less about fame. I write not to defend your mother, but to protect the work of the gospel.
Please wake up, and repent. Forgive your mother for whatever issues you have with her, and work towards the gospel of grace rather than "disgrace."
Blessings and Joy in Jesus,
Donna
Please note that, unlike Donna, I did not name names or give any identifiers in my comment above. I have no idea as to the true identity of “Donna,” and given that I don’t know any famous people (nor the children of such), I am sure that we have never met. I wonder why Donna presumes to know so much about me?
Any time close associates or family members of a respected leader have the courage to stand up and say they know of hypocrisy in the life of the leader – the rest of us need to have the courage to carefully examine their claims and allow for the possibility that they are speaking the truth. Such a person does not take on the role of “whistle-blower” lightly. Unfortunately, the standard tactic is to dismiss the person who speaks up as being disgruntled, bitter and/or unforgiving. An adult child speaking out against a respected parent seems to inspire a particular type of ire – particularly within Christian circles. Donna’s response is a typical one and was merely an attempt to shame me and thus divert attention from the actual issue at hand – which is the reality that there are those among us who very convincingly masquerade as Christians. M. Scott Peck describes these people as being “People of the Lie."
We cannot assume that because a person has an impressive public image that it implies their private life can withstand scrutiny. Many positive things have been said publicly about my mother – but they are mostly word of mouth or are based upon what people presume to be true of her, given her reputation and claim of being a Christian. In fact, my mother rarely toots her own horn in this regard because enough people spread “faith promoting rumors” about her and ascribe to her many attributes which were actually true of my father. She excels at mirroring back to people exactly what they expect to see.
We must never remain silent once we learn of hidden sin in the life of a Christian leader - no matter how highly esteemed he or she is within the Christian community. No Christian leader, no matter their fame and no matter their impact, is beyond reproach. Keeping silent "for the sake of the ministry" or having an "end justifies the means" mindset is in itself a sin. Hypocrisy and hidden sin, particularly within leadership, always has an effect upon the health of the organization – it is like a cancer which spreads unseen. Pretending it isn’t there does not change the reality of the situation.
May we always be open to truth - even when it is painful and may require some sort of unpleasant action on our part.
"Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin."
~ James 4:17
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