Saturday, June 28, 2003

For All You Romantics Out There

In his book, Happiness is an Inside Job, Loyola College professor John Powell writes:

"Of course, expectations have a lot to do with our happiness. It is one of those life lessons that is hardest to learn. To the extent that we think our happiness will come from outside things or even other persons, our dreams are destined for death. The true formula is, H=IJ. Happiness is an inside job.

"Most of us are hopeless romantics. And sadly, romantic hope does not die easily. We continue to dream our unreal dreams. We glorify reality with Technicolor expectations. We build castles in the sky. We keep thinking of life and happiness as a combination lock. Once we learn the right combination, we will have it made. But frustration will always overtake us as long as we put our happiness in the promise of things or in the hands of other humans.

"A few years ago a divorce lawyer submitted the opinion that most divorces result from romanticized expectations. Jack thinks that being married to Jill will be utter bliss. He calls her 'Angel' and 'Sweetie.' She is all he will ever need. He sings her the romantic lyrics of love songs. Then, shortly after the wedding bells have become an echo, the truth sets in: There are unpleasant moods, weight gains, burned dinners, hair curlers, occasional bad bread and body odors. He silently wonders how he ever got into this. He secretly thinks that she has deceived him. He had gambled his happiness on 'Angel Face' and has apparently lost.

"On the other side, before marriage Jill's heart beats a little faster whenever she thinks of Jack. It will be such heaven to be married to him. 'Just Jackie and me and baby make three...in my Blue Heaven.' Then there are cigarette ashes, his addiction to sports events on television, minor but painful insensitivities. Clothes are left lying only in chronological order. Her knight in shining armor has turned out to be a 'one-man slum.' The top of the toothpaste tube is missing. The doorknob he promised to fix still comes off in her hand. Jill cries a lot and starts looking up 'marriage counselors' in the yellow pages. Jack carried her off gallantly into the sunset. From then on it was all darkness.

"Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Sixty-five percent of all second marriages end in the same traumatic sadness. Disillusion always seems to follow when we expect someone or something else to make us happy. Such expectations are a parade that always get rained on. The place called 'Camelot' and the person called 'Right' just don't exist. The anticipations always seem ecstatic, but they are soon swallowed up in the darkness and disappointment of night. Our mistake begins when we expect happiness. I once saw a cartoon of a huge woman standing over her diminutive, seated husband, demanding, 'Make me happy!' It was a cartoon. It was meant for laughter. It was a distortion of reality. That's why it was funny. No one can make us truly happy or truly unhappy." (pp.2-3, Happiness is an Inside Job)

And now, a few thoughts that Powell's words inspire in me...

The Bible warns that we have to be careful about being led by our hearts: "The heart is devious above all else; it is perverse---who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)

Too many times, we allow our hearts to be in charge of our lives. In fact, we must take charge of our hearts.

Because the heart is devious, it's always pointing us to "shortcuts" to happiness. "If you'll spend your life with that person," you'll be happy, our hearts tell us. Or "If you buy that car...live in that neigborhood...take that job...join that health club..." Blah blah blah. These are all romantic delusions, bound to disappoint.

What we need is heart transplants...Change our hearts and our lives will change. We'll stop putting unrealistic expectations into every relationship and contentment and happiness will come as byproducts. I'm not always "there," contented and happy, but I am 90% of the time.

The key? The Psalms tell us: "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). A transformed heart will not have delusional desires---although God will plant big dreams in the hearts of those who follow Him. A transformed heart will have as its object becoming all that God intended for us to become and following not where our heart leads, but where God leads. "[S]trive first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness," Jesus says. (Matthew 6:33)

People whose hearts are transformed by putting God first in their lives also won't expect other human beings or things in their lives to deliver the happiness, contentment, and fulfillment that only God can give.

As to marriages and our relationships, they may be gifts from heaven, but they will also require work and sacrifice on our parts to maintain. Every person contemplating marriage or jumping off the "fidelity wagon" in order to take up with someone new ought to know that.

Here, the sage advice of noted romantic Paul McCartney, from his song, We Got Married, seems appropriate: "It's not just a loving machine, it doesn't work out if you don't work at it."