What If I'm the Source of Another Person's Discouragement?

In one of his wonderful books, psychologist, pastor, and author Alan Loy McGinnis talks about a man who had come to receive his counsel. The man's problem? He was discouraged. And the source of his discouragement? His wife.

If ever there were a time when she was pleased with his efforts, happy with his choices, or even glad he was in her life, the man told McGinnis, it would lighten the oppressive weight of discouragement under which he lived day after painful day. Nothing he did seemed to please her. No success was worthy of a compliment.

The man was discouraged because he simply didn't see that things would or could ever get better.

You've probably heard the story of the experiment done with a predatory fish. He was placed in one-half of a large tank divided by a glass partition that would have been invisible to him. On the other side of the partition, were oodles of his favorite prey, fresh little fish delicacies just waiting to be gobbled up by the predator with which they shared the tank. The predator lunged for the food, but came up empty on hitting the partition. That's weird, he must have thought in his predatory fish brain. No matter, he'd just try again. And he did. Over and over and over. Always the same result: a head sore from beating against the partition and still no food!

Later, the experimenters slid the partition out of the tank, leaving the tiny fish the predator so wanted to munch on utterly exposed. But the predatory fish didn't make a move to catch them. These little guys would actually swim right next to the predator, their scales brushing against his and nothing happened!

Why? The predator had become discouraged. He was sure that no matter what he did, he could never get hold of those little fish.

Here's the point: When spouses, parents, leaders, or others consistently deride, belittle, or make light of others' concerns or needs, discouragement sets in.

As long as we human beings have a realistic hope that things will get better in our marriages, families, jobs, communities, or our churches, we can handle setbacks and disappointments. But once we no longer have hope for improvement, discouragement rears its ugly head. The discouraged person thinks, "Others may have reason to hope. But not me." The light starts to go out in their lives.

This was why the man came to see McGinnis for counsel. He wanted his marriage to work. But after years of exposure to the corrosive effects of a constantly-critical and carping spouse, he had begun to grow discouraged.

One of the most interesting passages of Scripture to me comes in a series of bits of advice given by the apostle Paul in the New Testament book of Colossians. Paul says:

Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart. (Colossians 3:21)

This passage intrigues me because I think it helps us see how one person brings discouragement to another, whatever the nature of the relationship. We discourage others when:

• Provoke them to anger without giving them the chance to give their sides of any story.
• As a corollary to that, when we fail to truly listening, belittling their concerns or complaints.
• When we're unfair.

Now, here's the bottom line, as I see it: We discourage others when we "throw our weight around," using power we may or may not legitimately possess.

Discouragement happens to people any time we feel mortified by a sense of powerlessness.

When a spouse, who's supposed to be a partner in a 50-50 relationship, always gets his or her way in both overt and subtle ways, they set off discouragement in the marriage partner.

When parents abuse their responsibility to discipline and correct by always telling their children, "No," simply because they can get away with it, because of unwarranted fears, or because of the desire to dominate, discouraged children result.

When leaders no longer lead, but manipulate, those being led will eventually become discouraged.

Discouraged spouses may turn to obsessions with alcohol, drugs, or a multitude of other destructive habits and addictions. They may get involved with affairs or more understandably, give up on marriages which have, because of the domineering ways of their spouses, become marriages in name only.

Discouraged children will become rebellious, heedless of their parents. (Having been critical of James Dobson's forays into ward-heeling politics, I should mention that one his dictum on parenthood has exerted immense influence over me through the years. Parents should discipline out of love, not punish out of anger. He also says that the job of parents is to shape the character without crushing the spirit. Good advice!)

Discouraged followers may torpedo the initiatives of leaders or jump ship.

Some discouraged people, certain that their situations cannot improve and feeling personally impotent from years of abuse, may even contemplate suicide.

I've observed all these effects of discouragement many times in my twenty-one years as a pastor.
So, what should we do if we suspect that we are the source of others' discouragement. Here are a few steps I would recommend:

• Listen to the other person. Even be so bold as to open a conversation with them with an open-ended question, "Do I ever discourage you?" (This is really rooted in Jesus' command on how to resolve disputes over sin within the church.)
• When you have these conversations, eschew all defensiveness and always refrain from going on the attack or being dismissive of the other person's point of view. After hearing the other person out, respond not as though you were in a debate. You're out to resolve things, not score points. That means making, "I feel..." or "I think..." statements rather than, "You've got it all wrong..." statements.
• Be open to the possibility that you are in the wrong and open to seeing some legitimacy to the other person's perspective.
• Apologize for past wrongs to the person.
• Repent for past wrongs in prayer with God and ask God to help you become an encouraging person.
• Think of Jesus' Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," without countermanding rationalizations or self-justification.
• In every relationship, see yourself as a servant first. This doesn't mean being a doormat. It does mean thinking of the other person's interests, welfare, and preferences.
• With regard to the previous statement, never automatically presume that you know what's best for the other person.
• Before being critical of another person: Stop. Pray for guidance. Think about what you're going to say. Ask yourself, "Will what I'm about to say be helpful or hurtful?"
• Find the most helpful thing you can say even when you must be critical.
• As the old saying goes: You have two ears and only one mouth. Listen twice as much as you talk.

I'll have more to say on this subject of discouragement, which I think has reached epidemic proportions in today's world, in later posts.

[Here are the previous installments of this occasional series:
Discouragement and Some Antidotes
Discouragement and Mr. Nice Guy
Discouragement and the Human Touch]