On Seeing Three Penguins at Kroger

[File this one under, JUMP, just my opinion.]

I saw them, three young men struggling to make it across the parking lot of the Kroger I visited two nights ago. You could tell that each step they took was difficult as they waddled, rather than walked. Finally, they made it to their car. But I couldn't help wondering, "What's wrong with them?"

The source of their struggle? The three were part of that growing army of young men who apparently don't know how to wear pants.

Someone needs to tell them that a waist band is just that, a waist band, not a halfway-down-your-backside-band.

One of these kids, fresh from his shift at the grocery store continuously tugged at his pants to prevent them from completely sliding down to his ankles over the course of the fifty-yard trek. Repeatedly, he reached down to pull up his pants just enough to keep from falling headfirst onto the pavement.

A time-motion engineer would probably deliver a staggering calculation as to how much productivity this young man is losing each day as he's forced, stride by stride, to use one hand or the other to pull his pants up just slightly north of the knees.

It's ironic to me that a generation so intent on using its hands for things like text messaging and video game-playing can't see how the way it wears its pants keeps it from doing those and other things.

I wonder what these kids think the crotch of their pants is supposed to be, if it seems natural for the inseams to gather just above their shins? The design of a pair of pants signals that this sagging fashion is all wrong.

And do they think that the world is dying to see their boxers or briefs? Speaking humbly on behalf of the world I can confidently say, "We're not!"

Nor do we want to see the even worse sight to which we're often subjected by these young men unfamiliar with the proper use of waistbands, drawstrings, or belts. I refer specifically to the unsightly "cleavage" their fashion often forces us to witness!

Not long ago, I watched a toddler taking some of his first steps. At one point, he felt his pants slip ever so slightly down over the top of his bulging diaper. When that happened, he realized that continued slippage would prevent him from taking further steps. Who knows, he might have even been a little embarrassed at the prospect of having the whole world see his little baby undergarment? In the face of these facts, he did what any sensible person would do: He pulled up his pants.

One can only hope that the young men who sport their penguin-pants would learn from that toddler!

Please, young men: Pull up your pants. Tighten your belts. Tie your draw strings. Keep the undergarments under. Learn to walk again!

You'll like it, I guarantee.