Orchestral Melee a Sour Note for Symphony

[What would you think if you saw this story in the morning paper?]

“It may be the worst thing to ever happen at Music Hall,” says an official of the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra, speaking on condition of anonymity. The official was referring to the brawl that broke out as the orchestra concluded its Friday night performance of Johann Sebastian Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 in F Major. The incident has CSO leaders scurrying to repair a reputation so badly damaged that it could have repercussions beyond this season.

Shorly before 10:00 P.M. on Friday, liquid-bearing projectiles were hurled toward the stage from the audience. Several witnesses later confirmed that the thrown objects were cups of White Zinfandel. That variety of wine and other alcoholic beverages are sold at Music Hall during performance intermissions.

The first missile hit cellist Andrew Vander. Stunned, Vander dropped his instrument and charged into the audience. His target was long-time symphony patron, Jacqueline Hunter-Smith. Vander took a swing at the octogenerian and a melee ensued.

Hunter-Smith denied that she was the one who threw the wine at Vander. But, she said, “I did defend myself. And frankly, dousing that bum with wine isn’t such a bad idea. He’s an overpaid, underperforming grandstander who never takes one for the team. He’s a punk.”

Vander was equally angry with Hunter-Smith after police and security guards got the riotous Music Hall under control. “I saw that woman throw her cup at me from the corner of my eye,” he said. “I don’t put up with stuff like that.”

Whether Hunter-Smith was the culprit or not, orchestra officials confirm that more than twenty liquid-laden cups hit the Music Hall stage within seconds, dousing several cellists, violinists, the first-chair trumpeter, and guest conductor Bette Midler.

After the initial onslaught, several symphony members dove into the audience, attacking patrons they thought guilty of hurling the cups. Police say that before the fracas was brought under control, fifteen people were taken to area hospitals for treatment.

Orchestra officials were quick to take disciplinary action. Vander is suspended without pay for the season. Other musicians were slapped with various fines and sanctions.

Vander seems undismayed by the incident or its aftermath. Appearing in an early morning interview on CNN, Vander repeatedly mentioned a new business venture. Holding one of his company’s catalogs aloft, Vander asked viewers to order items from his Vander’s Pet Lingerie. Just weeks ago, Vander incurred the anger of orchestral officials as well as patrons when he asked for a two-month leave of absence in order to promote and fill orders for his company.

On Friday night, local classical deejays were overwhelmed with telephone calls from symphony music fans who had seen videotape footage of the incident on TV. According to Linus (Line-Up) Borkenhamm, one of the deejays, listeners were appalled by the actions of both audience and musicians.

Story still developing...

[If it's ridiculous at the symphony, then it's ridiculous elsewhere, isn't it?]