[This is the latest installment in a column I write for the Community Press, a chain of suburban Cincinnati newspapers.]
Winston Churchill once famously quipped that Britain and the United States were "two nations divided by a common language."
Even in this era of the global village that sees the two nations exchanging movies, music, and TV shows, Churchill's comment holds true. Five years ago, the Glen Este High School Choir of which our two kids were a part, went on a concert tour of England. My wife, mother-in-law, and I were able to be among the chaperones for the group. One day, queuing--standing in line-- at the till--cash register--at a card shop in the London suburb of Orpington, I spied a book called English-American/American-English Dictionary. That title was only partly tongue-in-cheek.
Something like this phenomenon of "division based on a seemingly common language" can exist between co-workers, friends, relatives, and spouses. Psychologist Gary Chapman, in fact, identifies "five languages of love" that can unite or divide people. If we care about others, he says, we need to learn the other person's language of love.
By languages, Chapman means not just the words we use to communicate, but the gestures and the approaches with which we relate to each other. Two people can seem to be speaking the same language and fail completely to understand each other.
About a year after my wife and I were first married, I bought her a dozen roses for some occasion. I was so proud and thought that I was being romantic. A gesture like this early in our relationship would have been met with a kiss and a "Thank you." But this time, the reaction was tepid. I thought, "Next time, Mark, don't give her flowers."
When the next occasion did come around, I put together a basket of small gifts, including a scarf I'd seen her admiring at a department store, her favorite perfume, and a paperback book. She looked rather unenthusiastically at it all. When I probed the reason for her reaction, my wife told me, "It just seems wasteful for you to go out and buy gifts that I may or may not want, Mark. Let's just agree that from here on, whatever the occasion or holiday, we won't buy each other gifts. If we want something, we'll get it ourselves."
Because my wife and I are both frugal, this arrangement has worked out. With a few agreed-upon exceptions, we haven't bought gifts for each other over the past thirty-one years. We do buy one another cards for birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, and such. But no gifts.
I learned to speak my wife's language on this point. And there have been certain benefits to this: More than a few husbands and wives have told me how demanding of gifts their spouses are on "special days." I've never had to worry about that.
Learning others' "languages," the words and gestures that they deem significant, can be an important key to fulfilling Jesus' "Golden Rule" to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Years ago, I learned of a husband mystified by his wife's fury over his birthday gift to her: a brand new luxury car. It turned out that she wasn't the one who wanted the car. He was. Her birthday just gave him the excuse to buy himself a present which he assumed she wanted as much as he did.
People who really want to do unto others as they would have done unto them need to pay heed to what's important to others. Then they'll be talking the same language.
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