Elliptical Thoughts on Fear of the Crowd

I climb onto the elliptical machine at our local gym, set it on the Fat Burn mode, and start my workout. Moving my arms and legs, I watch the monitor display my rapidly increasing heart rate. But I don't really need the monitor to know that. I can feel my heart nearly bursting from my chest as its beating intensifies.

For some reason, at that moment, I recall an experiment that was done with Johnny Carson, late and long-time host of The Tonight Show. Backstage one night before he was introduced, Carson was linked to a heart monitor. I remember the results which, a later search of the Internet, confirmed, in a piece on public speaking written by author Ross Shafer and appearing on Chris Widener's web site:

In the late 80's, Johnny Carson had been on TV for 25 years. He played tennis several times a week and had a resting heartbeat of about 65 beats a minute. As a part of a routine physical exam, a doctor hooked Johnny up to a heart monitor; just prior to him going through that familiar Tonight Show curtain. Ed McMahon announced, "Heeerrres Johnny!" And Johnny's heart rate jumped to 160 beats a minute!

What, I wonder, as I near my target heart rate on the elliptical, would have evoked such a response from a seasoned professional like Carson, the king of late night TV, who presumably could have phoned in his performance? Several things may explain it.

One might be that even after all those years, he was still nervous standing before a crowd. I can identify with this. Even after twenty-two years as a pastor, there are times today when I become almost paralyzingly nervous before a worship celebration, a presentation, or a sermon.

To this day, I find it necessary to ask God to help me remember that what I'm about to do isn't about me, it's about Him and about the people He wants to touch with His grace. (I'm sure that if I didn't do this, all my sermons and presentations would be disasters.)

This leads to a second reason behind an explosion of jitters even in someone like Johnny Carson. We "performers"--comics, talk show hosts, singers, actors, politicians, lecturers, teachers, professors, preachers--all want to make good impressions on others. "Paul has always wanted people to like him and his music," Linda McCartney once told CBS News' Bernard Goldberg. This, after the former Beatle had already become the wealthiest and most successful entertainer of all time.

Insecurity may also set our hearts beating wildly before we stand before a crowd. We preachers like to tell our parishioners that we're interested only in an "audience of One," the God we commend to others. But the fact is that, at some level, we also want to be accepted by our hearers. Or at least by some of them. And truth be told, we want these things not just because we hope (and pray) that our hearers will accept our message. We too, like affirmation. (But woe to the preacher who becomes addicted to the approval of the crowd. The minute that happens, she or he is worthless as a communicator of the Gospel!)

I can also think of a third reason for communicators' jitters. A seminary classmate of mine, one of the most gifted preachers I have ever heard, once told me, "It's okay to be nervous. That's the Holy Spirit, don't you know?" Whether the Holy Spirit can be blamed for some instances of stage fright, I can't say. I'm certain though, that the nervousness that can strike even the most experienced of public communicators often stems from a passionate desire to do well...as well as a fear of doing poorly. (I've told the members of my parish, in all candor, that one prayer I occasionally offer is a simple one: "Lord, help me not to scew up!")

Last night, the New York Mets sent 22-year old Mike Pelfrey to the mound against my Cincinnati Reds. Pelfrey, considered one of the best young pitching prospects around, had a rocky first start. Although he won that game, he was a bit wild, a fact attributed by Mets manager Willie Randolph to nervousness over pitching in the bigs. He did well last night, beating the Reds, 8 to 3.

Chances are, Pelfrey was no less nervous for his second start than he was for his first. In fact, if Johnny Carson is any indication and Pelfrey has anything like a similar commitment to excellence, he'll have the jitters before every single start of what promises to be a long career. But, as someone has said, the key to excellence is learning not to try swatting your butterflies out of existence, but teaching them to fly in formation. That's a lesson good for more than just public speaking; it's good for all of life where fear and worrying can be one of our greatest enemies.

In my experience, it's only when we rely on the God Who's above and beyond us that we find the capacity to face our fears and, in spite of our beating hearts, reach toward being our best selves.