Thursday, March 29, 2007

Female Anger and Passive-Aggression

Dr. Helen Smith, a forensic psychologist, blogs about a study that says women are angrier than men and often express it in passive-aggressive ways.

That rings true to me.

My wife, who feels no hesitation about expressing anger in helpful ways, is a healthier, happier, and less angry person than many women--not to mention than most men, including me--because she doesn't feel the need to artificially bottle up her feelings. And she often laments the conditions the study identifies: that women are angry and that it's probably because they express their anger in passive-aggressive ways. Both she and my daughter are such open people. They get disgusted with women in the workplace who resort to passive-aggression and behind-the-back torpedoing, usually of other women, especially those in positions of authority.

Why is this so prevalent? Historically, our culture has put men in places of authority, whether at home, in the workplace, or in social settings. Women have basically been told to get with the male-set program. This incites understandable, justifiable anger within women with no productive ways to express it.

I don't subscribe to the "tea kettle" school of thought that tells us if we don't immediately vent our spleens, we'll implode. Venting everything we feel can be narcissistic and imprison us and our relationships to our fleeting feelings. There is more to us as human beings than our emotions. Or our thoughts. Or our biology.

But I do think that relationships in all contexts would be healthier if so many women didn't feel constrained to live in the manner described by the study.

The Bible has an interesting passage which I share with people--female or male--when they're thrashing over how to deal with a confrontation they need to have: "Be angry; but do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger."

The point: It isn't "bad," as I think many women are taught, to feel anger. The question is what to do with our anger.
  • Do we use it to discuss things with the object of our anger, with the goal of finding a commonly-acceptable solution and of repairing the relationship?
  • Or do we allow it to live inside of us and make us hateful toward the other person, often expressing the anger and now the hatred, in passive-aggressive ways?
That passage from Ephesians, then, commends taking ownership of our feelings and finding productive, healthy ways to deal with them. In other words, we don't allow our feelings to micromanage our psyches and lives, programming us.

The most hate-filled person I know is an angry passive-aggressive woman who, when confronted with how hurtful her words are, claims that she's being misunderstood and implies that people who think otherwise must either be having bad days or losing their minds, literally. (More passive-aggressiveness.) This woman may even believe it when she makes these claims. But her family will tell you that her approach is very destructive to her, to their family, and to everybody's health.

I think that the insights in this study are right on!

(Smith links the study to some recent dust-ups in the blogging world, none of which really interests me here. I'm interested in the study at a more global level.)

(I was led to Smith's post through a link at Althouse.)

9 comments:

jan@theviewfromher said...

My sister and I have discussed this frequently. I think women are inadvertantly trained to repress anger. We tell little girls to "be nice" or "act like a lady" - instead of working through anger or frustration. We get the idea that anger is wrong (or "unladylike"). On the other hand, we watch boys dust-it-up over a disagreement, make them shake hands and apologize, and forget about it. I think many women are never taught how to fight (fairly), and then move on - which seems to be accepted (and apparently beneficial) as standard behavior in boys.

Mark Daniels said...

Jan:
Interesting thoughts. Thanks for dropping by.

God bless!

Mark

Mark Daniels said...

t:
I think that your point on stature is well-taken. As a boy who was slighter than my classmates, I had to learn to get along in different ways with those who towered over me or had more strength. Sometimes I almost figured that out.

Thanks for your comments!

Mark

Munchie's Daddy said...

I love my woman dearly, and she is gentle, and gentile - she does however show P/A behaviors and they are almost impossible for me to handle, since they are outright denied.

I don't believe in Astrology, but she does, and insofar as that goes, she's a Taurus, and seemingly shows the signs of the Bull to it's fullest.

I don't want to argue ever, but arguments happen; how does one deal with someone who is never at fault?

Delia said...

Michael, I am married to a man who was strongly passive aggressive, and I kind of here what you are saying. They can come across as very gentle and peaceful, but deny it as they like, inside they can be a raging ball of fire. This gentle front which hides the raging ball of fire, is like facing a wall. This can be very lonely, living with a wall who says that they love you. Because its like you are getting a double message. All you can do, is ignore much of what they say when they are in denial mode (which is probably allot of the time), and only regard their actions. That peaceful front is nothing more than a peaceful front. As long as its there, you will both be very lonely in a way. In the case of my husband, he had quite a stressful childhood and a very passive agressive mother, so he was full of fears, and having learnt a terrible model of how to deal with problems. By the way, arguing can be a very good thing, if you can get to the truth. If you are dealing with lies, which passive agressives are unconsiously very adept at, you will never get to the truth. Watch her actions, see how they line up with her words, and challenge her over it. Passive agressives are inheritly dishonest about their feelings, and they even trick themselves. It may be a shock to you to realise you didnt marry someone peaceful, but you can get through it. When people deal with stresses in a healthy way, they can become peaceful, and much more enabled in their life.

Elisabeth said...

I have experienced the passive aggressive male just as Delia has...But for me I found the only way to deal with it because when they are confronted, even in a quiet and non passionate way with just the facts, they can become even violent.My ex husband has cloaked himself in religious piety...don't let these sweet, kind and possibly pious looking men fool you! Freeing one's self from a life with a man like this isn't easy but the rewards are innumerable even if all your "christian" friends drop you because you are divorcing ...what you consider to be a monster.

Mark Daniels said...

As a pastor, I have never counseled a woman to stay with a man who is abusive. An abuser obviously isn't married, because marriage entails a relationship of mutual respect and submission. (At least that's how the New Testament portrays it.)

No woman should subject herself to abuse. Ever.

Unknown said...

My husband, who was a pastor for 20 years has many passive-aggressive behaviors and has been miserable to live with for 33 years. I have recently separated from him with our two younger daughters and even though day to day survival has been tough I can sleep at night, am not plagued by numerous headaches and feel that life is worth living. Pastoring was not the problem. Living in numerous places and ministering to many different kinds of churches did not change things, having a family did nothing to change his attitude or behavior. I finally came to the end of my rope when he began to attack the children as well as me. Separation has been the best means of coping that I have found.
God is the healer and I trust that he will work with my husband in the very best way. But I cannot heal him and protecting our children from the negative and abusive environment was the choice I had to make. Unfortunately, I have to overcome the paralysis that such living has brought on me. Prayers would be appreciated.

Mark Daniels said...

Kathy:
I am so sorry for what you and your family have gone through. You will be in my prayers. God bless you.

Mark Daniels